This place I call home doesn’t feel like home anymore.

When I thought I was really broken I had no idea what I was talking about. Now that my world has truly shattered, the feeling is hard to explain.

I have nothing to look back at. In a way it is a good thing that I have been gifted with another chance, a clean slate and I can write whatever I want on it. I can change directions but I’m just standing between crossroads, looking left, right, front, back and this fear of the unknown is overwhelming. I don’t want to move forward thinking it’s just too risky and I don’t want to go back because there is nothing left there. But standing where I am right now feels so comfortable, so depressing.

Nature Nurture

Do you ever wonder what made you the way you are?

I’m talking about the earliest memories.
Yes there are different events that takes place in our lives which are called experiences, which make us learn how to deal with different situations. But do you ever wonder what happened in those early years that has taught us how to deal with those experiences? What I’m trying to say is what have we learnt in those early years that gives us that instinct to react the way we do?

Is it nature? or is it nurture? Or is it the nurture that we did not get at all, and we were just thrown in the pool of life at a very young age till our nature just nurtured us and we molded into the person we are today?

What I’m looking for are my very early memories, I’m trying to find out where did it all begin? I do feel that we pick the lives we lead at a very young age. I know it might not make any sense but, if you think about it the personality we are born with makes us the person we are today and the person we always were, even as a child I believe. So the decision that we made as a child have some how led us to where we are today. Yes I’m sure nourishment from a parent is always there in some way, but I did not get that much, so I cannot really say that whatever flaws I have are because the way I was brought up. Whatever experiences I have are all mine.

I really don’t know where I am going with all of this but, lately this thought is taking over a lot of things. I am trying to find out what have I done that I’m leading this life. I don’t care about good or bad, just the life itself that is all.

 

A sudden burst

All of this should be enough for one life time.

Can someone find me love like this one? 

Like a person.
Like you are my normal.

Like you are my kinda crazy.

Like my heart is going to burst.

Like you are my family.

Like you are my home and I can walk around in my underwear.

Like when you do something really annoying.

Like you don’t get angry at all.

Like you came and saved me.

Like you are the only person who gets me.

Like I fight for you everyday.

Like whoever says you are bad for me just disappears.

Like everyone knows where there is me, you are somewhere around.

Like you are the only person who has made me happy always.

Like when I say it wasn’t worth it, but it was totally worth it.

Like every tear that fell for you.

Like I’m so glad that I logged on that day and found you. 

Like somethings are better left unsaid.

Like I support you always no matter what you do, no matter where you go.

Like everyday I wish you were here and we could do something together.

Like you can boil my blood to a higher degree every time.

Like I miss you so much all the time.

Like its your day and my night.

Like you never say anything but do so much.

Like your heart is so big and kind.

Like you are my hero.

Like I don’t want you to show off.

Like Im so glad that I have someone I can say all of this to.

Like I don’t say all of this often, because now it is making you uncomfortable.

Like Im so sorry I break your heart and you say nothing.

Like I dint get what I wanted but I got a lot more than I could have ever imagined.

Like I could bake you a cake everyday.

Like I could I just take away all your problems and just absorb them in me.

Like I stopped caring about what you think of me long long time ago.

And like no matter where I go you will always have my heart.

Like thank you so much.

Proud Little girl

From the moment he landed and sat next to me, all my worries just vanished into thin air. It was like all the weight that I had been carrying around on my shoulders, just lifted up and left me. My forehead was straight with out any tension wrinkles on it.My feet had a little spring in them and I was hopping around the universe like a little child holding his big strong hand.

The proudest girl in the world I was.

I went home with a big ear to ear smile on my face. I wanted to scream and tell every person on the way “hey look my hero is home”

I bounced around the house the whole day, like a little girl who use to sing all day about him coming home.
I flipped open his suitcase and claimed everything in there is mine.
I grabbed a bunch of stuff, dropping it on the way to my room and proudly arranged everything on my table.
I spoke non-stop during dinner, i poured my heart out without any effort. It didn’t matter that there were three other people wanting to say something, but i din’t care to the point where I was asked to “shut up.”
And in the end I exhausted myself doing all I did all day.
I took his hand and I don’t know when I dosed off like a child who does nothing all day, but just stays happy and feels safe and sheltered.

Thought of the day

There is something I want to write about and people around me get a kick out of it, but how often do they write about what they feel about me?
Which made me realize I’m just giving them the satisfaction and closure all along. Every time I write something it is about how someone made me feel. I don’t want to permanently stop writing just because it gives someone insight on how I feel.

You know what from now on my blog is going to be about my everyday small experiences which it already was but somehow I started using it like my personal diary. I’m going to keep those hidden feelings hidden and not give anyone the satisfaction.

I’m so high right now this might be my suicide note for all i know.

Here and Now

I have to constantly remind myself to breathe. One might think it would be something that comes to us humans naturally but no, I inhale and forget to exhale which makes me very rigid and my body tensed up, heart pounding in my tighten chest and anxiety which makes me wonder what is wrong. I sometimes catch myself holding my breath while doing the simplest things like watching TV, shopping, driving etc. Then I laugh at myself and take a deep breathe and come back to my real work.

It has always been hard for me to stay in the “here and now,” my mind has always been wandering around the future or the past, or places unknown.
What scares me now a little about myself is that how much I love to spend time alone and how minimal my human contact has become.
The basic problem is to find the balance I believe.
At first I was unhappy because I was living for others, I had zero self awareness and now what scares me is that I have a lot of self awareness and very less awareness of my surroundings, people wise.

Well this is the thought for today, I think I’m gonna talk to some food about this.

something this something that

something stronger
something ugly
something sinister
but something beautiful at the same time.

How can something be so many things at the same time?
more importantly how do you separate yourself from your feelings?
I always thought feelings make you who you are..
By the way just to give you all a general idea I’m talking about normal everyday relationships here, imagine what would happen if I was romantically involved with someone?

Yes it is a fact, I’m too passionate about people, places, relationships,work, you name it. If you throw me in the sea of all of the above, ill manage to bring myself to the surface with a lot of baggage but ill survive for sure.
And you know what, there aren’t a lot of things people need in their lives to make it perfect; just one person who can fit the description I gave in the beginning can make it happen. I just feel sorry for those who cannot understand that, or if they see someone have it they cannot accept it because baby..

“you gotta taste it before you hate it.”

What I do..

As tears rolled down my face, i hung up the phone, gathered myself and got out of bed. Took out some fresh clothes,                    changed,                                                              washed my face,                                                     put on some lipstick                                              and a fake smile                                                            I just walked out of the house.

 For a long time I drove aimlessly on the streets wondering what to do and where to go. I called up a bunch of people who were all busy because they don’t need me right now. So i went to the mall and walked around without any directions. I window shopped, i tired different clothes and shoes, then i just sat with my cup of coffee and stared into space, i looked at people go by, some i knew but I ignored them, because I don’t know myself today. As i got up from that place i decided that i need a drastic change in myself so went and i had a hair affair. Which will fix my problems temporarily i believe. 

Cruelty

I have come to realise that the world is a very cruel place to be, Or rather humans are very cruel to begin with. 

I think the day people refuses to accept a small gesture of being loved by someone just know that humans have become cruel and you are better off alone than being with someone who is ungreatful. 

Then when you tell your story to people they are so cruel that they tell you “aww maybe you are looking for love on the wrong places.” I really don’t understand what that means. Wrong place? What is the “right place” anyway? There is no right or wrong place to look for love. I wish things were simpler , or i wish that people would not complicate things. 

What i dont understand is that if God has made humans in pairs then why is it that i see so many people unhappy and in rotten relationships or alone or alone with someone? Why is everyone so unhappy in each others company? Is it because they were looking for love at the wrong place? But wasnt it the right place at one point in time? 

I often see people envying what i have. Job of my choice, freedom of my choice. When they see me unhappy at times they say “thankgod that you have everything.” And i wonder that how unhappy is that person that they wish that they were alone like me? So alone that i have absolutely nobody to share my feelings with and im sending this cosmic message into the universe hoping that someone would understand what i mean. Forget about boyfriends or husbands, i dont have a simple friend who i can text at 3 in morning or who i can have coffee with, and people actually want that? 

My mind just went blank with this thought. 

where am I?

Having a very hard time finding myself.
I am constantly struggling with myself.
having a very hard time explaining myself to myself forget about others.
I just want to shut all the noise coming from the outside window..
I want to shut the drapes, sink in my pillow and never get out of bed again
Its so peaceful there.
and when I wake up everything will be white and numb.
I want to wake up and not look in the mirror, I just want to wear white and not talk, I want to eat simple or not eat at all.
If only I could learn to deal with the outside noise and keep my inner peace alive.
Now wouldn’t that be perfect?
I am tired of this raise called life.
who exactly am I completing with?
At first I was thinking that shutting out all of the outside is dealing with the situation. But nothing leaves you until you deal with it for real.
Life is like a pile it just keeps on adding up until your heart and head becomes heavy and you cannot take it anymore, and you just cannot wait to pull the trigger.
Is it really up to us if we want this pile called life to be a beautiful one or just a burden?
No at the moment I don’t think anything is up to us. We might think everything is in our control but it is not. Not even death.. When coming and going from this world is not our choice then how can our life can be of our own choice?
We are nothing but puppets .
puppets of competition
puppets of making a living.
puppets of our parents who want to make us someone better than what they were so they can die peacefully
puppets of other peoples love or lust.

This shall end rather abruptly.( if not life then at least this should) until next time suckers